Thinking about it makes me feel fearful and threatened, but you know, i think this is a lesson. I think I need to learn how to cope with this. This is a situation that I know holds no actual threat for me, so I'm not going to avoid the situation just so I can avoid having the bad yucky feelings. The bad yucky feelings are there for a reason and I need to figure out what that reason is.But...
But what?
But this has happened before, remember?
Yeah, i remember. It's in the past. One of the good things about the past is that it's not happening now.
But...
No buts.
*silent doubt*
It's not going to be easy and joyful all of the time. It never is. And life lessons are never easy.
*unease*
Yeah, I know. Idgy squooshy feelings that slide away when i try to handle them to pick them up. I think that part of it is overwhelm. Part of it is acknowledgement that the two of them are close in ways i'll never be, ways that, frankly, i don't need or even want to be. I need room and air to breathe, thank you. But, still. There's an emotion out there that i'm not sharing. I'm an empath. It's part of my reason for being to share feelings with other people. It comes naturally as breathing. and they, being a pair of Scorpios, have this intense thing between them...that has an air of secrecy even if it's completely out in the open. Go figure.
Don't want to lose...either of them.
I know. And we're not going to. We won't. As long as I stay sane and don't freak out over what should be a trivial issue, for heaven's sake. I stand to lose much more by overreacting.
*strongly communicated sense of wanting desperately to curl up and hide under blankets*
Don't do that.
It's an old defense mechanism.
And don't you dare tell me you can't help it. Sitting and stewing about it doesn't help any, you know.
Neither does the caffeine you drank this morning. sillybutt.
I dunno about this whole thing, though. Seems to me that I'm doing the push-and-pull thing again, which sucks.
Too many commitments. Too little time.
You're probably right, but it's not like i can quit any of it, you know.
You're happiest when time spent with people is the exception rather than the rule. Why don't you just admit it and get used to the idea? Jeez. You'd think you'd have figured out the basic architecture of your soul by now. Other people, for you, are spice rather than meat. There's a reason you don't get lonely. Ever.
And you were scolding me for being worried about losing people? Sounds like you don't care if I do or don't.
*huffy silence*
You don't, do you.
I care about them, too. But...listen...I know better than to think we can keep this up indefinitely.
We're just not balanced right now. Swinging from one end to the other without warning. Too much loaded on one end, not enough on the others. It'll take a fundamental restructuring of what I'm doing to get things under control. The house will help, and some time alone, and that ritual that i keep meaning to get to but that I feel too hemmed in by my space to relax enough to do.
It's the indefiniteness that gets to me.
Funny, I'm happy with things open-ended.
*cue yet another repetition of Pretty Fly for a White Guy*SHUT UP.
SHUT UP!
*jams headphones on head, sets Winamp to Shuffle*
Dude. Thanks.
I think I'm feeling better about the whole thing. Not quite all the way there and i don't think I've quite figured out why this is causing all of those nasty old things to rise to the surface. I don't think I'm in immediate danger of freaking out and running off to spend a year on a mountaintop learning to become one with the birds. Though I have to admit that the idea is appealing.
Or becoming a Buddhist nun, for that matter.
I could really dig on that, you know. The whole simple-life thing really appeals. Spend all your time in contemplation of the invisible. I'm not living nearly as lightly on the earth as I used to.
That's fixable, you know.
Yeah, I know. The nesting urge is strong, though.
I wanna know why we're doing the complicated thing, though. It seems...unnecessary. You know? Excessive.
I don't know, either. I was doing really well for a while there in not getting things too complicated. Then again, i was also consciously avoiding becoming emotionally attached to guys. There's so much room for misunderstanding, there. I have no idea why everything is so much messier when it comes to guys. Women are easy. You just love them, and listen to them, and everything else kinda falls into place.
They come with less baggage.
I've never looked into the eyes of a woman and seen my father staring back at me, that's for sure. Women are also better at asking for things I can give them, unlike guys, who seem to specialize in asking for things I can't...
There's more in us available to women, remember.
That, too.
*pause*
*sings* "and something somewhere that you said goes ricochet all through my head flashing like a neon sign and time stands still...and still the whining of the wheels comes closest to the way i feel and winter comes and winter goes and always has and will."
Just don't run, okay? We need you here to deal with this.
I'm kinda stuck, aren't I?
No. But you're doing well, all things considered.
erm. thanks. I think.
really.
'kay.
you really ought to finish that documentation, you know.
yeah.
