In effect, yesterday's freakout was about two things: a dangerous nostalgia and the wish for more barriers. I'm feeling kind of naked out here, with all my emotional bits flapping in the breeze and my brain attempting to compensate for what it considers a terrible necessity.My mind does this thing when it feels I'm in danger. It prepares to contain and wall off the damage. While this was a lovely survival mechanism, it's a bit past its use at the moment, and it only causes me problems with other people.
It's been a long time since I've let any males as close to me as Chris currently is, and it's alternately making me happy and freaking me out. It's not really his fault, except that, well, he was born male and I tend to have large problems with trusting males.
But we've been talking, and he's stuck around even when I'm freaking out, so that's good. I wish I could get it through to all of my head and all of my heart that this is no threat.
Easier said than done...
My quick review of Sergio's Mexican restaurant, located in the Adobe Building in Fremont:We waited three months for this?
Okay, it's not bad. The warm chips come with a brightly flavored green salsa that's redolent of lime and tomatillo as well as a milder red cousin served in a separate bowl. Service is professional but a tad harried (it's only the second day, so they'll get better soon).
I had a chile verde chicken enchilada, which was mild and surprisingly tasty. Possibly the best part of the plate was the Spanish rice; but I really *like* Spanish rice, so that's not surprising. The plate also came with a yummy, vinegary coleslaw that i really liked, and I'm not normally a fan of coleslaw.
There are reasonable vegetarian choices at lunch, and some at dinner--and you could probably achieve veganness by asking them to omit the cheese.
They had a bunch of specialty margaritas, and what looked like a tasty range of boozy coffee. However, their Mexican coffee didn't have anything cinnamony in it, which is the best part of Mexican coffee.
It's good for a quick lunch if you're in Fremont, especially if you're visiting or work in the Adobe building. not a destination by any means.
Dangerous nostalgia: the feeling that I was truly happy when I had a life that was mostly empty of other people, when I was free of commitments and other people.Things change. My life changes. I can be happy now--just differently happy.
It's pretty sad when I think of the good old days being last summer. I still haven't adjusted to the sudden and savage way my life has changed, throwing me from being entirely on my own into a life filled with people. It's something I'm working on. Like a middle aged man shopping for red convertibles, I long a little bit for a time that was a little freer and one whole heck of a lot simpler. I literally have five days a week scheduled completely full, these days.
Yes, there are things that compensate. I'm probably better-adjusted now, though now my problems are with too much touch rather than too little. (Also contributing to my freakouts: being touched too much by too many people. It's overwhelming. In a good way, but still overwhelming.) I tried so hard to keep my life from being complex; whatever happened to my willpower?
Whatever happened to my ability and will to say no?
I think I'm going to start doing a quarterly downtime--a week in which I retreat from everything, cancel gaming, date nights, clear the calendar, refuse to see anyone, hide in my room. A clearing of the decks, as it were; the best way to make me happy with my life is to remove me from it for a while, so I have a chance to breathe and appreciate the wonderful things I'm doing and having done to me.
A chance to miss everyone.
And a chance to get caught up on sleep, darnit.
