I'm sitting in a cool, green space. There's a small table in front of me. i'm holding my favorite teacup. I concentrate and the blurry details of the scene come clear. I'm in a glade, sitting in a metal chair with a cushion on it. I'm wearing a sundress. I'm shaded by trees. The woman sitting across from me is a short, plump woman today. She looks like the kind of grandmothers my friends in elementary school had, the nice ones who lived in Palm Springs and spent summers in Britain."For a delusion, you're awfully unglamorous most of the time, you know."
She smiles. If she were human, I'd say she was feeling indulgent. Ah, child, but you know what I am. I don't have to be the vamp in front of you. That doesn't impress you any more. This form does. You project onto me what you want to see.
"Still, I think a delusion would be more..."
Exciting? It's a joke between us, the joke being that she is my delusion--and I am hers. We remake each other in our own images, you know.
"I know."
I take a sip of the tea. It's Empress Afternoon Blend, a taste borrowed from my trip to Victoria a few weeks ago. It's got cream in it but no sugar.
So what do you want of me? There's a hint of a smile behind the words.
"Can't I have afternoon tea with my favorite goddess without wanting something? Why can't I have simply called you because I enjoy your company?"
Ah, child, i know you better than that. I share your company all the time, but for you to actually create this space means there is a formal question you want to ask of me.
She's the only being I know who I allow to call me child. And she's right.
"Well. Um."
She cocks her head. There is a look in her eyes that is most certainly not grandmotherly. It tastes of steel.
"Okay. Here's the deal. I know that the way my body currently is is not good for me. I want it to be better. But..." She looks at me. Waiting.
I exhale. "I can't do it by myself." The admission is painful. Normal people do this sort of thing by themselves all the time but I, I feel the need to resort to divine help.
I take heart from the fact that I think it's unlikely that a lot of people have tea with the deities of their choice when they want to ask them a favor.
So, yes, you've been abusing yourself again. Tsk. I'm all in favor of hedonism, but this isn't hedonism, you know. It's just stupid.
"I know, i know, why do you think I'm asking for help?"
She tsks again. So, you want your body to be healthy and strong. I assume you realize this does not necessarily mean you will be thin? I nod. Good. Now that we have that out of the way, these are your instructions.
You are to go to sleep tonight. Tomorrow, you will wake up and begin the changes in your life. I want you to do these things:
First, join the gym that comes with your new job. Make an appointment with them this afternoon. you are to go five days a week. On the sixth day, you are to get *out* and get some exercise in the fresh air. If you miss a day or two, don't fret *too* much. Just go back the next day.
Second, start *really* taking care of your teeth again. Once you've done that for three months, go to the dentist. I really ought not to have to tell you this, but since you apparently won't go on your own...
Third, you need a routine again. Make one of your lists, as well as a schedule. You'll need to follow it pretty closely for a few weeks.
Fourth, take your damn medication.
Fifth, you need a spa day. Don't give me that look. You need it. Take it.
Sixth, you do need to do something about your diet. But what you were doing is too much like punishment. Tell you what--be good six days of the week and have a day off each week. I don't care which day it is, but make sure that in that day you're not just eating junk, but you're eating something you really enjoy. None of this fast-food business.
Seventh, water. You're dehydrated. Stop it. Set computer alarms if you have to, but do it.
Eighth. This is important. Your life is still too complicated. you need to set more boundaries. Breathe. Do more stuff by yourself, for heaven's sake. You complain to me all the time that you still feel stretched too thin, but I hardly hear you say no to anything. Don't get involved in anything more right now.
Live simply. I know the nesting urge is strong now that summer is almost over, but resist it. Walk more places. Go to the library, for goodness' sake! Read and read and read, and write stuff down, and read some more. Drink tea. Try to feel alive in the tips of your toes. You've done well, love. Enjoy this.
Oh, yeah, and get yourself to that gynecologist.
Think you can do that?
I'm shaking. It's so common sense. No "Kill a black chicken at midnight and chant the words to Oklahoma. I wish it weren't quite so common sense. I could live with a little bit of ritual.
If it makes you feel better, write a litany and greet the sun with it each morning. But only if it makes you feel better, little delusion.
I laugh, helplessly. "I do love you, you know, delusion. And I'll do these things. I'll even make a list of them"
You do that.
We sit in the green afternoon and drink some more tea.
I'll be with you tonight.
I smile. "I know. I'll go to bed early."
A wind blows. Eventually, the scene dissolves and I'm back at my workaday desk.
My mouth still tastes like Empress Afternoon blend and I have a strong craving for a scone.
