Thunder calls my house:
Hey, are you coming to gaming tonight? Do you want me to pick you up?
Yeah, but give me 20 minutes. I'm dying my hair.
you're dying your hair?
Yeah. It's almost done.
in the background: She's dying her hair. I think she's having a reaction or something.
Yes, I was. an all-out Kris Feeling Fragile And Dirty reaction. I had been under so much stress those five days that I needed to do something, anything; dying my hair was what I fixated on.My hair is now a few shades darker than it was, and it looks good. I'm recovering physically and emotionally, but i'm still feeling a bit fragile. My entire body aches, the leftovers of the solid wall of tension I put between myself and my family.
I stepped into the shower and ran hot water over myself until the water got cold. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I leaned against the shower wall and just let myself exist for a little while.
On the face of it, it wasn't a bad trip.i got to see G, which was very good. i miss him something awful. His daughter is growing like a weed, and it was fun to be around her for a little while.
I got to see Ragged Robin, as well. We went bowling, which she hadn't done in years and I hadn't done for months. It was a good time and a much-needed respite from the family. She's gotten her hair cut short, and it's really adorable on her, and I miss her something awful.
But the rest...
My family is stressful at the best of times, and this wasn't the best of times. Everyone was stressed out, and everyone was asking me when i was getting married. I wanted to scream, I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED UNLESS THEY LEGALIZE GAY MARRIAGE. PERIOD. But I kept my mouth shut and said that when I did get married, i was eloping.
And being around them requires me to close up tight like a clam in order to protect them from seeing who I am. Had it been any other occasion than a wedding I might have just said, "Fuck it, i have my ticket home, i'll tell them."
It's hard. It's really hard. Having been so open for so long makes it hard to be closed again.
In the wake of it, i feel brittle and in need of cosseting.
There are stories, but tonight I can't tell them.
