"I feel the need for the psychological advantage of those extra two inches. Don't mind me."
But I was dancing, and i found that a number of moves are possible in high heels that are a lot more difficult without them. And I looked a lot of people in the eye, including the girl who gave me a kiss at the end of the night.
It was a good evening.
Recently, I've been thinking about the idea of retreading ground that i assumed was crossed and behind me, seeing if bridges I thought were crossed once and left behind are still there and whole.And the thought fills me with a mixture of trepidation and excitement.
Trepidation because what if I make the same mistakes that were made before? Or if there are new hazards to be warded against? Will i fall into the same traps, the same habits, the same panics?
Excitement because, after all, this is a good thing i'm pondering.
And i know that I am literally a different person now...and yet there are so many things i have in common with the person I used to be.
And I walk through the possibilities with my head up and my eyes open. Whatever choices are made, I will take responsibility for them.
After all, even the mistakes are mine.
Listening to Sarah McLachlan and staring at a Pocky wrapper. Gâteau Chocolat. I wonder why I have it down here and then i remember that I brought some down here a few weeks back.The house is silent, except for my music and the sound of falling water from the goldfish tank. Times like this, I can feel the safety of this place wrap around me. This is the first time i have ever managed to reclaim a place from the ghosts of pains past and make it completely safe again.
I once read a story in which a woman blocks off portions of her house because of the ghosts that have laid claim to various sections of it. I recognized myself in that woman, laying down tape on the floor to define where it was safe to step and which places would leave me gasping in abreaction.
But I have reclaimed all of it. Cleaning and rearranging have shooed away all of the ghosts into wherever memories go when they are no longer full-motion, full-sensory-involvement, all-encompassing events playing themselves over and over again.
And it's easy, now, to smile and look into the mirror and like the person who looks back, whoever that is, whichever pair of eyes are reflected.
And it's funny, now, how people will comment on the fact that my eyes change color.I was at a picnic, and my friend J was sitting next to me. I lay on my back, staring at the sky. He said, "Hey, your eyes are really pale green....that's really cool." And Loba and Chris, the weekend I was in Michigan, would comment when they noticed my eyes change color. I go through shades of green, from light green to grey-green to a gold-tinged hazel, to grey-brown, grey, and a very rare smoky blue.
One morning, i came out and curled up with Chris, and asked him which pair of eyes I had that morning.
I sometimes rely on others to be my mirror, since I can't always see myself now.
How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a timeThank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silenceThe moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with starvingThank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
Best reason to practice your gaydar:
So you can tell the difference between a lesbian and a German lady.
how goes the war?
It was a draw today; major inroads were made on the messy house but none of the outside stuff got done. However, we have the enemy's stockpile of stampy markers completely surrounded!
