I had a very nice entry started just now.
And then my computer crashed. I think this was because I was talking about how everyone I know used to be crazy, and how the crazy people seem to have filtered away from my life and have been replaced by beautifully sane people, and people who are crazy in good ways.
Summary: I've changed and have grown up, and my old friends have either done the same or have dropped away (in a couple of cases, been drop-kicked away) from my life.
I can sympathize with the sentiment everyone I know is insane. But it's simply not true for me any more.
My life makes sense, for the most part. It's an improvement.
Winter blues have officially set in.I crave sweet things. Sweet's what I want, I want candy canes and maple-flavored oatmeal, sugar in my coffee and lots and lots of chocolate.
This is my brain attempting to compensate for the lack of light. so far, I seem to be holding my own. I'd almost forgotten that moods could be like this, hulking alien things that seem to sit on my shoulders and weigh me down. Things bother me now that didn't bother me two months ago.
Ah, for more light! I want the sun to come back, I do, I do. I want to stop being so distractible, I want to be able to write something longer than a short poem or a very scattered journal entry, I want to be able to concentrate on something for more than a few minutes at a time.
my names:
Idat
Your first name of Idat has given you a studious nature, and the ability to concentrate on whatever you are doing. You could excel in mathematics or in positions where persistence, independence, and individuality are required. In personal associations, a lack of finesse in verbal expression often creates misunderstandings with others, especially with those close to you, because you find it difficult and embarrassing to express depth of feeling when situations arise requiring diplomacy, understanding, and affection. Others may often find you reserved and aloof, when actually you desire love and understanding. This name creates a withdrawn, reserved nature. You feel very alone at times and find it difficult to merge with others in a happy, relaxed manner. You could suffer with head tension, or any weakness relative to the heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.Kris (my mundane name)
Your name of Kris gives you a very happy-go-lucky, spontaneous nature. You see the humorous side of many situations and can laugh at yourself as well as at others. This name gives you a musical, artistic nature and you would do well in any occupation in the entertainment field. You have many friends because of your generous, happy nature, but if crossed you have a quick temper, although your annoyance does not last too long. You do enjoy an argument and will at times say things just to get others going and then you sit back and enjoy the debate. You lack system and order and find it very difficult to budget and save money. This name creates a nature that can be the life of the party, but many times you can become involved in emotional situations against your better judgment. Your compassionate nature causes you to be too generous and you often give more than you can afford to. You are too fond of sugars and starches, thus you could have a weakness in your liver, kidneys, or skin, creating pimples or eczema. While this name gives you a wonderful personality, and attracts much love and friendship, it is far too emotional and scattering an influence and will not allow the material accumulation nor personal happiness you should have.Anne (my middle name)
Your first name of Anne has given you a rather quiet, reserved, serious, studious nature. You have sensitivity and appreciation for the finer and deeper things of life, the beauties of nature, music, art, and literature. The people who mean the most to you are those who can offer you intellectual companionship. It is only when you are among those who understand your deeper nature that you can really be yourself. The experience of having your remarks taken lightly or belittled, particularly during the early years of your life, has caused you to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. You do not express yourself spontaneously when conversing with others; hence other people may often regard you as being aloof, and even unfriendly. Your difficulty in putting your deeper thoughts and feelings into words can lead to problems in more intimate associations. This name has caused you to live much within yourself. You are rather easily hurt or offended. At such times you can withdraw into a mood, and may not even speak to others. Aside from these points, this name contains many fine qualities. You are a thoughtful, analytical person, and you know your own mind, even though you may not speak it. You are very conscientious and competent in all that you do. You take seriously any responsibilities that you have--in the home, in the community, or at the job. Worry and mental depression could be problems in your life. Physically, any weaknesses in your health would centre in the heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.My whisker name is Kris—the name that people meet me as, the name that people learn first. Idat and Anne are names that people don't learn until later. And the contrast between the open first name and the more reserved inner names points to something that I've been thinking lately but that I've not really been able to put my finger on.
I am pretty nice person when you first meet me. I generally acquit myself well in social situations, I know the rules and play the game wholeheartedly. People seem to like me when they meet me pretty well.
But I tend to be a hard person to get to know well. Emotional intimacy is something that tends to take more time to build with me, and until I know I can trust another person, I don't let them into my heart. There are a lot of old defenses that are built on that, and I'm dismantling them one by one, because they're no longer needed.
But I still wonder if exposing more of my inner self to people I've just met is a good idea. I've always been wary of strangers; I'm learning to trust them more these days, and I find the experience of getting to know people to be intoxicating and addicting. And there are always people with whom I find and instant rapport, who vault over my barriers and snuggle right down beside me, who I feel perfectly comfortable telling things I wouldn't ordinarily tell anyone.
But with most people, it takes time and effort. I'm easy enough to get along with, if a bit shy around people who I've never met before. And people in social situations meet "the real me"—because I am that woman on the surface.
But "the real me" is also the woman who dances when she's alone, possessor of a thousand and one quirks, perpetually vigilant and with a memory that doesn't always work. she's the woman who writes this journal and the woman who works for a living.
They're all the real me. Every single one of them.
how goes the war?
entrenched.
