Dream|Reality

May 6th; If you can smell it, it's killing you

Dream: Last night I had a dream about Melli....she had moved here, and we were sitting and talking, and she told me she'd gotten a job. Unfortunately, the job was a night-shift one, and so i wouldn't be seeing very much of her. My thought was, It's happening again. I can't believe it's happening again. Subconscious lesson here: address the things in my next relationship that resemble the things that went wrong in my previous relationships. I think, anyway. Perhaps I simply have some unresolved stuff from the relationship with Shannon to work through. (Perhaps? Ha. I'm kidding myself, I know.) I had another dream, but morning came and I lost it in general bellyaching about how much I hurt.

The Moment CD: Steady On: Shawn Colvin Book: Freedom and Necessity, Emma Bull and Stephen Brust Outside: grey and icky Doing: trying to get in touch with a client Link: tori.com Horoscope: "You're allowed to be disappointed by dishonesty, but if you treat it like a vote of no confidence you'll sell yourself short. Rest assured that you're far from that in the matter of love. In fact, a bidding war may break out." Fish tank: waiting....waiting....   {{previous}} | {{next}} archives | home   "I'm not asking you to believe in me Boy I think you're confused" Tori Amos, "Pandora's Aquarium"

Reality: I want the new Tori Amos CD. Want, want, want. I'm thinking of taking a long lunch-ish sort of thing and going up to the U District and buying it. I've gotten so much new music in the past couple of weeks--I think my ears are finally starting to come alive again, which is a positive thing. I went out with some co-workers for a Cinco De Mayo thing last night--we went to Dad Watson's, which is nothing even superficially resembling a Mexican place, but we had margaritas and chips and just sat and chatted. I think I should have drunk more than I did, though, or abstained entirely. The one margarita I had relaxed me enough that I started noticing exactly how wound up my body is, how tense my muscles are from months of holding in all of this tension about the breakup and everything that went before it. And I woke up this morning in pain, just not wanting to get out of bed. I think the cure for this is a massage, some wine, a hot bath, and a long sleep. I might be able to manage the wine and the sleep (I can't soak the tattoo for another week, and the massage will wait till June). I need to do some graphics work. Unfortunately, i'm anything but inspired graphically right now, so I think I'll go another week, use the last of my backlogged splashpages, and hope that inspiration strikes soon. I also need to get moving on some finishing touches to this site, write something new for anatomy....but i'm tired, and lazy right now. Soon. Soon. soon I will start writing feverishly. I hope. I have these lulls sometimes, where it seems like too much work to be a writer or whatever else I am. I've learned to flow with the fatigue, because it generally goes away and then i have a fabulously creative period. Sometimes these periods are when i'm really damned depressed. Sometimes, it takes that kind of pain to stimulate the creativity that is always there. I'm also very creative in a different way when I'm up high--the creativity then is more expansive, more ambitious, must plain more. I really wish sometimes that I didn't love the feeling of creation. It's hard to love something that you have to be out of control to experience. But I do so, again and again. I just got the new Tori CD! We'll see how good it is. I've heard good things about it.