Those of you who've expressed concern, thank you. I really am doing better this morning.
I managed to get some actual physical contact, which i knew was what I needed. I'm such an affection junkie. I drink in everything people can give me; there isn't any such thing as too much cuddling for me. I think i'm making up for the time I spent as a child shying away from human contact because it hurt so badly.
I guess I have better shields, now. I can generally keep the other person's hatred and pain from leaking through. (Of course, it also might be that I'm not surrounded by people who hate and are in pain every moment of every day.)
I said to Shannon last night, "I'm still in love with you." And he said to me, "I doubt that."
Which is really kind of typical. This is why I hardly trust my feelings any more--I keep being told that I'm not feeling what I'm feeling. I know that i'm still in love with him. He tells me I've never been very expressive of it—which may or may not be true. Or maybe our expressions of love are so alien to each other that we can't even recognize them. I am in love with him still, because only in love could goad me to the wild kind of pain i've been feeling. Only being in love could cause me to howl like i've been howling.
All I know is that I never needed anyone before him. I don't like this whole need thing. I prefer to be more catlike, coming and going, accepting relationships only on my own terms. I can walk away from people I don't need...but this time, it's different.
ah, well. He's moving on Saturday, and after that I'm not going to see him very much at all, and I have to get used to that.
I generally don't cry. I quit crying when I was eleven, and generally have exactly one crying fit per relationship that lasts all of about five minutes. But in the past 48 hours I've cried more than I have since I was very small.
I'm not attractive when I cry. some people merely sob, or sniffle. But I howl, and scream, and rip at my face and shoulders with my nails. This may be because I only cry in extremis, as a very, very last resort. And I only do it when I'm alone. I occasonally cry around Shannon, but it's the more subdued sniffles and sobs. It's weird, but the presence of other people dulls the edge of the pain, and lets me keep it controlled enough that I can keep it inside, and blunts it enough that I don't need to scream.
Strange, certianly.
I think i'm going to go get some lunch. Maybe a bagel sandwich...
Hey, maybe I can get Jessica to do some portraits of me. It would be nice to have my picture taken by a real photographer, for once. It would likely be pretty expensive, but I've always been very impressed by her work.
Maybe. hmmm.