This is a "girl stuff" entry. Deal.
I haven't written anything the past couple of days because I've been irritable and out of sorts.
And it sort of scared me.
After all, it's October, month of waning light and colder days. October kills, and October generally gets me, too. I've spent a number of Octobers sitting underneath various tables and under beds, waiting for the bad things to go away long enough to let me breathe.
I'd hoped it was going to be different this year. I thought that surely my brain chemicals are stable enough to withstand the fading of the light, that my good cheer could carry me forward and propel me into warm kitchens that smell like cinnamon, sharing coffee with friends.
Surely, I'd be able to look on the bright side of winter.
But from Monday till this morning, I was cranky and irritable. I was inclined to be short with coworkers, impatient with net slowdowns, even snappish with the cats. Everything irritated me, and I had a three-day headache that just would not go away no matter how much ibuprofen I took. And the more I thought about it, the more it was brought home for me how very out of character this is for me these days. It was almost as if I was reverting to being depressed. And the thought scared me. I didn't want to deal with it, if that was what was happening.
I don't want to be where I was a year ago. I like my new brain chemicals, the way I can rely on my body now. And I didn't want to tell anyone about it, because, well, what could anyone else really do about it?
So I get to work this morning, and find out...
The irritability, moodiness, and headache? You guessed it. PMS.
I guess my status as a mutant has been rescinded. I'm actually starting to have regular menstrual cycles again. But I was completely caught by surprise by having PMS for the first time in a couple of years. I'm actually glad that I know what it was--I was going to start becoming seriously concerned, here.
I think this is the first time I've ever said, "Oh, good, it's just PMS."
So the fact that I'm having periods means that my body fat percentage has dropped past the magic percentage where the testosterone keeps me from ovulating.Which, on the one hand, is good. It means that my body is actually starting to repair itself from the years of damage that uncontrolled hypothyroidism did to it. And, yes, it's good for my body to have cycles, I know.
But on the other hand, I really enjoyed not having periods. I could plan vacations without having to take my menstrual cycle into effect. and I just consider menstruating sort of, well, icky. Ew. It makes me feel yucky and very unsexy and uncomfortable. It's the one part of being a girl I just don't want to cope with.
I know people who claim to feel very powerful and sexy and womanly during their period. And I wish I could feel that way—after all, cycles are a very intimate and powerful part of being female. I feel like I should stand up and say, "I am woman, hear me roar!" and wave flags and stuff.
But I don't feel like roaring. I feel out of sorts and icky, not powerful and womanly.
I think that the women who roar while they're menstruating have never gotten cramps. That's what I think. It's impossible to feel powerful when you're curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, gently holding your abdomen because it feels like it's trying to turn itself inside out.
(or maybe they have, and they're just far stronger than I.)
But I've recovered my good grace and humor (and gotten rid of the damn headache!) just in time for what promises to be a fun weekend.I think I'm going to throw a party next month. All I need is an occasion...oh, look, it's Chris' birthday! That's a suitable occasion!
muahahahahahahaha.
Best reason to surf your own site:
Because you can come across stuff you'd forgotten existed.
how goes the war?
Rounding up the deserters and marching on.
