May 04, 2002: without you
Kallisti died today.
He'd been deteriorating rapidly since Thursday, and the fluids I ran into him on Friday didn't make him feel any better. Last night, he spent a lot of time throwing up and howling between bouts of vomiting. And this morning, he seemed listless and cranky. When he laid on my lap, he was shifting around a lot, obviously unable to find a position in which he was comfortable.
He was beginning that long, slow slide into death. The anti-nausea drugs had no effect on him,and it was pretty obvious that he was going to starve to death while I watched, a process that might take a week or a month.
It was time. I called the vet and made an appointment. Then I gave him almost an entire can of salmon (a Big Treat if there ever was one) and spent some time with him sitting in the window, occasionally bursting into tears.
I have cried more this past week than I have in my entire life.
When we got to the vet, I elected to stay with him, feeling that he was my cat and it was my responsibility to be with him and make sure the transistion was a calm one. So I got him out of his carrier and the vet prepared him for the injection. I was talking to him as much as i could without bursting into tears, and his eyes were clear and calm as the vet slid the needle into his vein.
He went soundlessly, fixing his eyes on me one last time. I thought I could see his trust there, in the way he relaxed against my hands. He glanced at the vet, and then looked at me, and then stretched out his neck, closed his eyes, and died.
The vet confirmed that his heart was stopped, and then I kissed the top of his head one last time and left the shell that had held him behind me as I went out to the front office to pay for his euthenasia and cremation. I managed to only threaten to burst into tears at the vet, but as soon as I got into my car I couldn't help but start crying.
I cried all the way home.
The tears have mostly stopped as the reality has sunk in--I now only have two cats. I think Kallisti ceased to be a part of the pride for them a while ago when he stopped engaging in the affection that holds them together, and Juniper and Lilith are now almost as close as Kallisti and Juniper used to be. Juniper, ever the emotional weathervane, sat on my chest and purred as I petted him and sobbed.
He died in a manner suited to such a dignified cat. He had a good eight years with me, years full of snuggling and love and playing. He's out of pain now, and hopefully in the afterlife there will be all the canned food, treats, and fresh meat a cat could hope for, and no vomiting afterwards. And lots of slow, dumb birds to catch.
See you next time around, Kallisti. Maybe next time you'll get to be the human and I'll get to be the cat.
Good show, little cat. Good show.
the last picture taken of Kallisti, an hour before he died.
Entries partially and mostly about Kallisti:
'and I love him'
the first worries that he's ill
there is no such thing as enough
the killer--Kallisti brings me a present
