I've been in a really good mood so far, this week. Just mellow and happy. I twiddle my ring on the middle finger of my left hand and i go hunting down websites of people I haven't thought about in ages and ages. I like these days, when it's still winter but it's sort of warm out during the day, and the days are beginning to get longer, the sunlight gaining momentum. I had a long phone conversation on Sunday night and woke up on Monday morning feeling warm. The feeling lasted all day, through Tuesday, and into today.

I'm finding myself in these moods more and more often. I daresay that I am starting to become content.

I haven't truly feared happiness for a while, but once I quit fighting it, it became apparent that I was going to have to do some work if I wanted to be happy. Get the brain chemicals straightened out, get the housing situation in order, and take control of the things I need to direct and let go of the things I can't help. Working out and my medications take care of the brain chemicals, an attitude adjustment took care of the cynical side of me that was developing too quickly for my taste, and I managed to settle some of the contradictions within myself that have always bugged me.

So I did all that, and then winter came around and smacked me around some.

But now the days are getting longer and I'm starting to plan my garden. I'm in a happy mood more often than not; filled with a desire to reach out and help make other people happier, too. I want to practice massaging hands and feet.

I still hesitate, though; I'm trying to be aware of the emotions and desires of other people, trying very hard to do the correct thing, the honest thing, the polite thing. [And, hopefully, making sure that all three are one and the same.]

I am the posessor of what used to be the cloak of happiness, and which since has been shortened to the serape of happiness, because serapes are more cozy and fuzzier. At least, the one I have at work is, and on this score I an cheerfully generalizing.

My friends Chris and Sue of Gaia Consort have a live version of Family up with an amusing little ditty in the beginning. I've actually heard this version before, and it always makes me bouncy to listen to. I'm glad they managed to record this version. Go listen, it's a fun little song.

down the houses, blowing

The scent of smoke clings,
a frightened child at my ankles,
my feet bare and cautious in the ashes.

I come after disaster, to see what is left.

Here a carved piece of banister, vaulting
bravely from the char, finish crazed
but lines intact. There, a doll's head,
saved from flames by whatever chance.

The charred wood of the rocking chair crumbles.
Silence heralds my touch.

I will breathe old smoke as the moon rises.
Stand here barefooted, waiting for
what fire leaves behind, listening
and imagining a memory played backwards:

flames building a starcase, retreating,
furniture and casements rising whole and unscarred
as the roar dampens, fades, crackles into stillness.

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