Hear that?

*wham* *wham* *wham* *wham* *wham* *wham* *wham* *wham* *wham* *wham*

*WHAM*

That, my friends, is me slamming myself against a number of brick walls.

Part of it has been a work thing--I've had a persistent bug that just didn't want to be resolved. (which I resolved today. not optimally, but it *is* resolved. go me.)

Part of it is in my personal life, in my head. Though this may not be obvious to people who are not me, i still have this large black fog called "depression" that likes to come settle around my head every once in a while. It's a lot of work to blow it aside, and the only way I ever get anything done while it's sitting on me trying to be my friend is ignoring it completely, just like ignoring my little brother when he got annoying and wanted to follow his big sister around.

Denial, unfortunately, only works so long. It'll work as long as I need it to work, which for me happens to be a fairly definite "until the middle of next week". At that point, I'll be able to have a few light work days and a few days off from my social life in which I can re-establish my daily routine, get back into the exercise thing, and maybe go walk through the Arboretum some and clear out my brain and lay my head against some trees.

These walls I've running up against in me are built of my own unwillingness to see what lies beyond them. I fear what might be on the other side, fear that I can't handle it, know that if i'm going to handle it I'm going to need some time and space in which to do so. The depression is attempting to be helpful in its own little foggy way by distracting me from those walls and paralyzing me so I don't go running around tripping over things by accident.

The depression makes me snarly as a spring bear, though. Inclined to rash acts. Wanting to raise my boundaries high and tight and not let anything in or out.

It's an old friend. i know it way too well. I know how to manage with it, I know what I need to do to end it, I know the location of the walls I'm going to have to push through. I know what sort of things lurk on the other side, and what sort of things i'm going to need to do to cope with it.

But not now. not yet. Now I have to hang on long enough to go to Victoria with my mom and have a genuinely good time, not a fakey good time. Now I have to clean, and pack, and pet the cats and arrange to be clearheaded enough to take care of the travel arrangements and reassure my mom that she is indeed in good hands.

Now i need to finish the mead that's in the fridge and go get enough cash to pay for getting my car out of the garage on Sunday. (Believe it or not, storing the car downtown for three days is *cheaper* than taking a cab from my place to Pier 70.)

I will do all of these things, and then i will sit and meditate and breathe for a while and work my way through the black phase to the other side. I will cry some, and then I will do whatever needs to be done.

Complicating all of this is the fact that my hormones have returned in force with the spring. I have *no* idea what to do with all of this desire. It's making me twitchy and just the slightest bit moody.

But I'll work it out. I always do.

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