October 12, 2000: the smell of snow
I'd like to be able to tell you this.
I'd like to look up at you (because you're *tall*, damnit, in the way that almost every male is to me) and tell you this, online or in person.
I'd like to tell you that I was a little lost from the first moment I saw you. I don't think you noticed me--hell, I *hope* you didn't notice me, because there I was, sitting behind you in the EPB lab, raving online about how the lab monitor was such a hottie. And that night, at the Pearly Gates party, I had to introduce myself, because there was no way that your appearance at that party could be a coincidence. At least, that's what I was thinking at the time.
After a while, we started hanging out a lot, just being friends, you and me and S, cracking jokes a mile a minute, the two of you playing off each other. But I almost liked it better when all three of us were quiet. There was something in that silence that I liked, a presence of some sort.
In my head you are inextricably linked with my last winter in Iowa, the smell of the snow. I had a nightmare once while you were downstairs, and when I ran out into the cold you followed me. You and S walked with me until I calmed down. The moon was full and we walked by the cemetary and went into the park. I rolled down the hill, laughing, and ran over the snow, my boots crunching. I was wild with grief but still, just then, almost happy.
My memories of you are of gaming and late nights and going swimming at the Westfield and the way you looked away from me when you talked about some of the stuff that had happened to you. And of Talisman and the shattered bottle of Chartreuse. I liked the way your mind tasted next to mine and how you smelled, and I was just glad you were my friend. I don't remember how much I told you and how much you guessed of what was going on in my head. But what you knew you accepted. As I accepted you and everything I knew about you.
You're one of the best things that happened to me during my last two years of college. I don't know if I ever told you how much you meant to me. I think I hoped you just knew.
And I miss those days in large part because I miss you. Yeah, I miss you.
Not that I'm ever going to have the courage to admit this to you.
So I'll leave it here, in case you ever decide to read it.
[yes, I *am* a coward.]
* Message (#39) from xxx xxxxxx at 5:25 PM on Oct 12, 2000 *
>That would rock a lot.
>There aren't many out people here (or if there are, I've not met them yet.)
>I do know that a lot of us got pissed when management decided to go for a Boy
>Scout service award.
>Who wants to be associated with the fucking scouts?
* Message (#40) from xxx xxxxxx at 5:25 PM on Oct 12, 2000 *
>Well, if there were some Fucking Scouts, I'd be interested.
>Imagine the merit badges.
Understand
that god wrapped you like a bow
but in my head
there's some shelves that need cleaning
from basement to ceiling
control
Some walls have fallen. I feel kind of naked without them.
What do you do when your armor's vanished? It makes me nervous and happy at the same time. I'm afraid that I've given them up prematurely, tossed away my safety net while still in the air.
looking down
there was no holding of hands
in that thick Iowa twilight;
the windows between us all shuttered
and lights shut off. the darkness
comes swiftly on a snowy evening.
and to us, as well.
we were empty toothless buildings
to each other, back then. I could barely
see you through the perfect flakes gathering
in collars and cuffs and all things upturned.
This winter business got us off to a rough start.
When the ice stole my balance
or the snow staggered your boots
or sullen hidden rocks barked
our frost-heated shins
we looked down, amazed
at the places our feet took us.
We'd come to the house
(lit all from within and the most
beautiful thing in the world,
promised warmth and light and love)
and raise our eyes briefly, glancing
at each other and the stairs
and stop, waiting,
smelling the snow and hearing
each other breathing and pausing
for a moment that, in any other lifetime,
might have been a kiss.
--10.12.00
