September 21, 2001: rising calendar
I'm going to the fair tomorrow.
I'm going to take CC and Chris and we're going to go eat scones and look at animals and maybe go on some rides.
I love fairs. Always have. They're a lovely combination of fun, low-Kris-stress things to do, lots of animals, and caramel apples. And where there are caramel apples, there is a happy Kris.
I made these plans weeks ago, back when the world was sane, and I still want to go do them. I think it'll be fun. there's only so long I can lie curled up on my bed, dreading the hour when the clock radio comes on and brings me more news of things i don't want to hear but I listen to anyway with the hunger of the information junkie for yet another hit.
Life does go on, even though it seems like it never could, never should. We grieve, and we heal. I've got a lot of other emotional shit to work through at the moment, and I'm starting to see the pieces of my life fall back into place. Not quite there, not yet; maybe not for a long time.
But for the moment, I am going to be perfectly selfish. I am going to spend my time where I want to, with the people I want to be with, not going anywhere out of a sense of duty or obligation.
I want to get back down under myself, rediscover my actual reasons for living, breathe in life and out art, and just live and transform my surroundings into someplace that I never want to leave. I want to figure out why I'm living where I am at the beginning of a new century.
Because I am lucky, you know. Despite the fact that I'm a surly curmudgeon, I have a surfeit of friends. Despite my tendencies to not know what the hell I'm doing, i've vaulted into a place where I have power over my own life, and where I can live and breathe and plan for the future, and keep irritations to a minimum.
I'm lucky, and I'm looking forward to what happens next.
